The First Game of Parenting.

Deuce, Advantage Mommy, First game of the first set goes to me. I held serve, as it were. When I look back, I see that I really could have lost it there. My emotions were so on end. Grandma Delaphena looked at both of our babies, Ju and mine. She held Nettie on her lap first and looked at Ju and said, not another. Don't have another child. Oh, no I thought. She took Elyse, they were a week apart. She looked at me and said, you can have as many as you wish. But not another for Julia. She could see the emotional strain that mothering is and giving wise greatgrandmotherly counsel. I should have said Grandma, do you really think so? She said, your husband is one of those helpful men, who is as much a part of the parenting as you. Like Milton, she referred to Uncle. This was a good man to them. I do have an understanding husband. They had seen many men in their 90+ years. I took this to heart, I had the blessing of Grandmother and Great Grandmother, but I was still committed to have only 2 children. Money was a very large part of my thinking. I really was just about one inch away from a post partum break,from the first(maybe everybody is), but there was nobody to tell. Hindsight is, as it were 20/20. There was nobody to scream to about the fear and the pain and the emotional upheaval. Just pray and "God will keep him in perfect peace..." People quote scriptures to women and men on the brink of emotional disaster. Be warmed and filled.
Is that what I needed? Instructions and blessing from the elder generation? Scriptures quoted over my head like incantations to keep the "devil" away. Mom! You will be alright, I made it, you will too. Everything was intense in the emotions. If you say that you are struggling, you are not trusting God. If you tell people that you need help they quote scripture at you. Who is there to bear the burdens. Truly, No one ever cared for me like Jesus. I had felt a bear like angry passion well up in myself when others touched my child. I was never the youngest child and had to let others hold my baby. I don't know these people and I don't agree with their child rearing. I wanted to get out! God, you have to help me deal with these people. God you have to help me deal with my heart of anger and jealousy. My husband is brother to all of these people and I have to share him with them. My baby is the niece of all of these people and I have to share her with them. I am angry and I don't know what to do about this. I consider it a win of the game because I didn't hit anybody. I didn't cuss out anybody or bless out anybody as Christians say. I had been taught to respect my elders and all of these people were my elders. What is my responsibility to them, Lord. I wanted to be with my family, but the responsibility of church and family stole me away from the people who meant the most to me. If I tell them how I feel, I would be renouncing my faith, it felt like. If I share my burdens with church people, I would be bad mouthing my inlaws. They weren't doing anything bad, just different. Between a rock and a hard place and there would be many more games that I wouldn't win, but the first game of the first set. I won. I kept my sanity, as it were. Always feeling on the brink, but never really able to tell anybody but Ben and God. Prayer and reading guided me into intense communion with my Lord, out of necessity. There is nobody else who cares for me like that. I still need instruction and the bearing of burdens, but God has a way of showering His care and lovingkindness and tender mercies inspite of my emotional upheaval. These are the struggles that makes a man of God learn the art and the gift of counsel. Constantly dealing with an on the brink wife and not giving up.
I wish that I could say that there was "Peace perfect peace, in this dark world of sin" I know the Blood of Jesus whispers peace within. I had emotional struggles so the diagnoses would be, that I must not be keeping my mind stayed upon Him. What else can a person do to keep your mind upon Jesus and find peace?