Thursday, January 28, 2010

In Atlanta was where I learned to put my face in the water.




Aunt Dorothy was so patient with me. I was fearful of water, since infancy. I was destined, never to wash my face. Never to stick my face in the water. Then, we went to Atlanta. I got on the plane with mommy and Ju and baby Jackie. I had no fear of the plane and even if I did, I couldn't cry because I had to be the big girl. They were both crying. Mom couldn't handle 3 of us screaming on the plane?
Aunt Dorothy took us into her home and taught me to stick my face in the water. Maybe 3 times I stuck my face into the facebowl, after sudsing it up. She spent time and attention with me and Patti, together. I learned to travel past my fear and to see the water as an opportunity, instead of a dreaded fearsome grave. Thank you Aunt Dorothy.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

He shall lead His flock like...

A Shepherd?
That is the question. How are you leading me, Lord, in this dark veil of tears? So many times, in these sadnesses, I have collapsed and fallen on the ground and hid my eyes. I know, only, that He has had to carry me most of the way from that point on. He sent Evvy to show me how I am. Evvy had a blackboard fall on her leg when she was 18 months old and she didn't walk for a month or so. The doctor said nothing is broken, she is just afraid. I do that, with God.
I can't walk, Lord. I will fall again. I am fallen. I am blind. I say. He takes my hands from my eyes and lifts me from my pallet and shows me how to walk. I am grateful for His mercies.
Bearing one another's burdens means that we love one another through these dark times of incapability. Carrying the paralytic ones to Jesus, in prayer and in our love. I need love, Lord. You are love. I need strength, Lord, You are strong. God has given family and church and community and learning to enjoy Him in and with these good gifts in purity, is the goal. When I sin, I have an advocate with the Father. I don't expect my brethren to be the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, but tools in His hands to give me the grace to be able to stand against the evil day. Having done all, to stand. Having embraced all of the good gifts that God has given richly to enjoy, I stand in obedience to Him and in repentance for my sins. Help me, Lord. Thank you for my brothers and sisters in Christ The richest gift of all, on earth.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'll not go into the promises I made to God, if He would let me keep my baby.

I stand ever in gratitude for every one of those 21 days of blessed remembrance which are etched indelibly on my mind, through grief. They hurt worse than tongue can say. I am often angry, but also grateful, if someone can understand that. God has let me grieve and talk lucidly to Him in my grief. He is the only one who can understand the pain that the memory brings and the pain that the heart and mind try to reach for in comfort for the loss. There is a comfort that comes, from His mighty hand and the going through the grief process is the only way to enter into that comforting relationship with God. I didn't know that then. God and the precious sense of His love in the beauty and loving hugs of family and friends are sometimes the only comfort the soul can find. There is no stable ground inside of your soul. Everything seems to be shaken, only God's comfort is constant. The hymnwriter said, when all around my soul gives way. That is what he was talking about. I would wish that no one would feel all around their soul give way. Mind and heart and flesh to fail, but if they do, God is still constant. Where shall I go from your spirit? said the Psalmist. There is nowhere on this earth that is truly God forsaken, only hell is God forsaken. When mind and heart are lost, even in distress and pain there is still the light of the sun and the colors of the rainbow that are constant, even if you cannot see them for the craze. God is everywhere.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I had a supernatural energy, with that news.

I was in the best shape of my life. 28 years old and had everything that I ever wanted. A wonderful happy christian family. A husband, who loved Jesus, a daughter, who reminded me of myself and now, a son. We were determined to run, with energy to please God on every point. We read through the scriptures as a family. We put away the tv. We did whatever we felt would draw us closer to this God who had given us all that we ever, ever wanted.
Job and struggles with the job were a constant. But they seemed nothing, with the beauty of this family that we had asked God for.

Monday, January 18, 2010

We had natural childbirth, with Baby Ben.

We had the baby at the "Childbirth Center". One healthy natural birth down, there was little to worry about, except that I was 2 weeks late.
I remember that the pain was so much that only a shower could help it. I was in the shower at the center and trying to do my breathing exercises. Ben said do you need me, to help. I said I am in a contraction, don't talk. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I said how did you reach that far over the shower door to touch my shoulder. He said I can't reach over the shower door. I said you didn't touch my shoulder, who did then?
When we found out in a few minutes that it was a boy, it was the most precious gift there had ever been. A boy. I was first again. "Jack" had the first grandchild, but I had the first grandson. Wow, like Christmas. I was pleased as punch and he was beautiful, too. Even the umbilical cord was white as snow, I remember. I said I didn't know the cord could be light or dark. The midwife said it is the color of the skin of the baby. I was in awe of this. I had my wits about me somewhat, because it wasn't my first birth, I could look around at stuff and note the differences. This would never happen again and I would never have my wits about me at birth again. I didn't know that.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Pink and Gray splotches donn the sky of the morning wrapping paper.

It looks like somebody put their paint brush in the gray and in the pink and speckled the paper somewhat haphazardly. It is beautiful. I am usually so enamored with the other side of the paper where the sun is rising that I forget to turn the paper over and look at the dark side of the morning sky. Awesome beauty was there, when I accidentally peered up at the other side of the morning.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

21 Days etched in my permanent memory!

I can remember everyday of that poor baby's life. Daily, it seems that my mind will try to retrace the steps and look for how I could have changed the outcome of that circumstance. It is awefully sad to look back so often, but it is impossible to do anything else when you are a mother. I see why God marked history with the griefs of mothers. His heart is clearly with us in these griefs. Can't get away from it.
I can't yet write the daily steps I trod, it breaks me down. I know that God is there with me, even when I am struggling with His providences.
That is all that I can say about that. The Ark came back after Ichabod, but the hearts of those women were the clock for the people of the griefs that they had seen.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

What a beautiful time it was, to have an only daughter.


We walked and talked together, just the two of us. We traversed back and forth down the streets of this new city for us both. For her, it was home, all she knew. For me it was a barren distant world, away and apart from my common surroundings. My own, little town was left for, the burbs. Would I survive?
My Elyse and now this little one jumping around inside me would keep me focused. I cast my cares upon God, everyday. Lord, I prayed, make me like the Shunnamite, I meant Shulamite woman, to give to the men of God. I wanted to pray with my heart opened before the Lord. I told you, Lord, I would go anywhere, but these surroundings are entirely too different for me. People are too into themselves and their stuff.
I could get into that too, if that is what Christianity is about. God had called me from nothing and I was trying to figure out what real Christianity was about. Ambition and wanting and other things also. I couldn't get into that. That kind of coveting is not my remaining sin. I started to imbibe some of the covetous mindset. We discussed the possibility of this being our last child. No more. 2 is enough. I said that at one of the family functions and was rebuked sharply. You young people think that you can tell God what to do. I was rebuked and I did see the changes that were happening to us, living in the burbs and worshiping with people who drove nice cars and had big houses. We wanted to serve the Lord.
I said, Lord, if you would give me a son, should I pray like Hannah. You know that I will give him to you? I wouldn't dare even utter such a greedy request. Here I was with everything that I couldn't even imagine to have wanted and asking for more. What a greedy girl. God had delivered me from terror, into a loving and accepting family and I was looking for, a son?
Well, I was late to deliver. Everybody else's son was born or seemed to be born before mine. I went to visit Francine in the hospital and there was the verse outside her door. To everything there is a season. Okay Lord, I will try to be patient. The baby was due in late February, but on March 4, 1989. There he was.
I was laying on the bed and I said, honey, I think you need to take authority over this baby. I think you ought to tell the baby to come out. He cleaned up the house and said, everything is ready now and put his hand on my stomach and said Baby come out! and one hour later I was in labor. I said honey, this is one obedient baby.
He was.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

First Game of the second Set

Birth of a son.
A second pregnancy, was a joyful time. In those days we didn't want to know what it was. Sonograms were still somewhat new procedures and you could choose to have one or not. We were naturalists and chose to be surprised. Everybody who was pregnant with me with the first one was with me on the second go round. We were consecutively reading through the scriptures with our one and only child. We were listening to series' everywhere and by everybody on molding the character of the child. No disobediences were tolerated or accepted. Every infraction of the child was met with immediate and severe instruction and challenge to better behavior. Catechism was stressed and practiced answers to the questions were repeated and explained. It was wonderful how many good questions came out of the interaction with a toddler.
I was so lonely in NJ. I felt like a fish out of water. I was so out of my element. I had absolutely none of the homemaking skills of these ladies. I had worked full time until the baby was born and was now a full time at home mom among moms who had majored in Keeping Home at college. The pregnancy was aweful. I was so sick and so sad and so struggling with my sense of inadequacy in everything I was supposed to be doing.