Goodbye Farrah!

Beauty and grace are fleeting and off they have flown. She is gone, but God showed a beautiful love story of a man who stood by her through the transformation of beauty into the eating away of the sickness of her body. The fire of cancer ate her up, but she was able with the love that stood by her to be comforted in this life, even when beauty was not as effulgent. Love is a gift from God and they showed that love, although not vowed to each other or to God, it was true and tried and tested and stood. They loved and showed and proved love and if you find a friend that will stand by you when you are in the ravages of pain, much less a lover, you are a blessed person. Most people say, smile the world smiles with you, cry and cry alone. The best of friends and intentions of vows is tried in such circumstances. Suck it up and keep your emotions to yourself, people think, if they don't say. When the terror of pain hits you, as with childbirth or cancer or other fearsome things and you say, I just cannot face this terror; God sends a person who can hold your hand and represent Him in the midst of the darkness and deepest night. He is there, but we can only see Him through a representative, sometimes. Love is the representative through pain. I don't know if the sin is in not vowing, or if the sin is in vowing and not paying the vow. I will be with you and trials come, and off they fly. I don't know if I can represent the truth of God's love with you. Lo and behold, I am given strength to stand up to the test, to some degree.
Love is there and when you hold onto it the darkness doesn't seem so large and the pain doesn't seem so deep and the cavern of falling doesn't seem so ominous. God is bigger, I can see love. I can't see God, because He seems shadowed by pain and fear. That is what we aim for. To be present to the moment. True to the situation. Faithful in the fearsome pestilence that threaten our souls. Holding on and representing the love that God has given us the flag to uphold. Model and show that, that is more beautiful than any form or figure on earth.
I think that Farrah was a model in life and form and in death and love.


But, it is better not to have vowed than to vow and not to pay.

I went to New Jersey with Dad...

The first time the Jackson's were on the Ed Sullivan show. Why? Why? What? Are we doing going to pick up an aunt from NJ when the Jacksons were going to be on tv? I am gooooing to MISS IT! I was angry and sick. I laid in the back seat, totally upset, that I had to be the riding partner on that trip. I am going to miss Michael Jackson? Do you understand what that means, Dad? Nope! This meant nothing to him. You will catch it on the reruns. Nope, there are no reruns of the Ed Sullivan show. We went out there at the bidding of the grandmother and met an aunt and then we went home. I was silent, as usual, but sick to my stomach. He has no clue what he is making me miss. I grumbled and bumbled and kept my sentiments to myself. This man had too much power over my father's children. He did. That is true but this power was going to last, no matter what my dad did to keep me from Michael. We got home, just in time to see them. I couldn't apologize for my attitude, I was just still going to be mad. Even though I did get to see them that night. The fact that my father couldn't understand that Michael was more important than an old grandaunt who was stuck in NJ, was going to be my attitude. I saw them. They were the most important thing to me, that day and for that season. They were exciting and talented and it was worth every minute of the bad attitude, to me.
Don't tell me they were not the most talented young people, on the face of the globe at that time. We grew up loving and listening and enjoying and dancing with Michael. He was the best!

Where do retired "baby Momma's" go, when they've outlived their skills?

Just a whimsical sentiment, of course. What does a woman do with a major in birthing and lactation and a minor in maternal child conflict? Oh well, the world is full of them, I am sure. Maybe, not with more children than I, but certainly with more skills. It is a day where I feel that, the suffering and death of childbirth, care and consideration for elders, retirement is not all its cracked up to be. Now that my sanity and body are lost to the conflict, it is time to take a nap.

I do try not to say no, if I can help it...

Today, Mu would have said no, Ruth, definitely would have said no, My mother always said no. Why did I say yes? Just because. It is always no! The heavens even said no.
My girls had conflicting activities, both once in a lifetime events. We don't graduate everyday and we don't get tickets to see phantom everyday. I drove through torrents, for what? For the story to remember forever, mother and daughter, near heart attack conditions and making it to the arena and the library, all just in the nick of time. Soccer mom is practice for the real deal. Are the elements trying to come against my baby? Which is more important. God knows, but sometimes these are just the elements that try the mettle of love of the child. We can't do everything. But, whatever we can do, we try to do.
When I saw Terms of Endearment, I thought it fake that a mother would go against the establishment for her daughter's comfort through her sickness and death. I couldn't imagine that kind of love. I hope death is killed by the time we get to the door. But if not and if its anything like the storm we drove through today thats why God created soccer moms, bulldogs with lipstick on.
Mothering life and taking a sword or a stick to death.

"Coming to the net" on my children.

I am not a passive, aggressive. I am an aggressive, aggressive. That means that my children come at me with everything they've got, all the time. I expect to beat them, most of the time. I have to, sometimes cut them some slack, because their verbal and reasoning skills are developing. Naaaa! "Don't you dare tell me, all of the kids do this or that." I would rather you tell me, I had occasion to swim in the moat. I don't tell you all of my friends said no to their kids.



I tell you that, if you can do what you are doing with a good conscience before God, you have my blessing.
People look at the energy of youth and try to limit their pleasures as though there is sin in having a good time. Sin is sin and most sin, you don't have a good time at; because your conscience is screaming at you. When we try to limit people more than our parents did us; because of the trouble that we got in, what are we doing? Creating little Pharissees. I don't have fun, they say. That means that I am a Christian. I don't take my world to task in any way, shape or form. I would rather my children use their strength and get burned out having fun and say, I am a Christian, I had fun, I used up my strength having fun; I took some sinners to heaven with me. We had a blast on earth, doing this. God is just that good. Have a good time, take care of your body and soul, in the meantime and don't ask me, unless you really want to hear my opinion.
My knees are shot and everytime I feel that agonizing pain upon stepping on it the wrong way, I can hear Mr. T in my mind say don't fall on your knees without your knee pads. I fell on my knees at every opportunity and we won alot, because I did. I enjoy the pain because it is the remembrance of something bigger than I and something I lost in the seeking of a higher goal. I want my children's aches and pains to say the same things to them. I saw the look in Matt Lauer's eyes when he exhorted those Harvard grads not to let this be all that people say about them; that they graduated Harvard. His eyes were full of used up senses, that he couldn't even talk about. He seemed to say, there are a lot of things I did, that were stupid and the only thing that I can tell you; other than don't keep sticking people's nose in your privileges, is have children. That is the most thrilling life long stupidity that you can find. When children look into such eyes,burned out from aging and thrilling itself, they know that their efforts might be worth it, in the long run. Come to the net. Engage them in battle. Challenge them to greatness